Working Ranch Blog
Evann With Two Inns by Brett Haas
Dec. 17 2012, 9:56 PM
Dec. 17 2012, 9:56 PM
I was having a conversation the other day with a buddy of mine and we were talking about a low-stress cattle handling event. We were talking about how the industry as a whole seemed to be catching on. I remember mentioning to him that we better be paying attention with all the folks running around with cameras on their phones and what not. With the right music and special effects, a cow slipping on some wet concrete could end up making some cowboy look pretty bad.
Then I got to thinking about my neighbor’s former employee, Evann. Cowboy Bob, the manager over at the All-You-Can-Eat-Ranch in Buffaloed County, hired this guy just before Christmas last year, and, as Hank Hill would say, “That boy ain’t right.” He works in Birkenstocks. He never wears a hat and smells an awful lot like my art teacher did in high school. He’s as skinny as a rail, but is always eating. When we had them all over for a cookout, he brought his own mushrooms to grill claiming they go great with steak, but apparently he either downed the bone or fed it to my dog Rufus.
Yes, I’ve been suspicious he just wants to catch cowboy Bob getting upset with his beeves and put it on YouTube or something. I don’t know, but I decided to quit being so suspicious and give the guy a chance. So I struck up a conversation one day and found that he likes to write and was keeping a detailed journal of his time at Bob’s. I suggested he turn it into Working Ranch for their 12 day rancher’s journal. He got real nervous and said he didn’t think that would be a good idea. So, one day when he passed out after “lunch” I snuck a look and confirmed my suspicions.
Hi. My name is Evann with two inns. I’ve been working for cowboy Bob at the All U Can Eat ranch for about a month now. Little does Bob know that I am not a cowboy at all, but actually an undercover spy for P.U.T.A. (People for the Uninformed Treatment of Animals). PUTA wanted me to be a little more discreet and ditch the Birkenstocks, but old Bob isn’t exactly Shamrock Homes.
So I hope you enjoy my factory farmer’s journal. Bob tries to pull the fleece over my eyes and says that he manages a ranch and not a farm. Oh Bob, I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t yesterday! I know that you just like to use the word ranch because we haven’t come up with an ‘r’ word yet that sounds as evil and stigmatic as factory. No! The truth is that I will expose Bob’s factory farming practices and corporate agenda designed to enslave the 99 percent with irresistible, fatty, sweet, and salty snack-like products that condemn us to our herbal induced munchy attacks.
Your slaves no more we will be Bob! Soon I will have cared for and fed the last of your poor victims that you claim “help” feed the world with a “complete” protein. Finally the truth will be known! Power to almost all the people!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
12 p.m. My interview with Cowboy Bob from the All U Can Eat Ranch went pretty good. I don’t think he suspected a thing. Man, that guy wanted to know everything! I was on my second box of Twinkies by the time he was done. All he kept wanting to know was my experience. I just kept wanting to scream, “I have no experience with murder!” However, I kept my cool. I got the job! PUTA will be so proud of me.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
5 p.m. I moved into this little house Bob is gonna let me live in. What a dump! He only provides basic cable. Man, this sucks. It’ll be worth it though when I get that footage and go all vaccine on YouTube. I’m gonna be as rich as an astronaut.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
11 a.m. My first day on the job isn’t going to hot. Bob was pretty upset when I didn’t show up this morning to help him feed his cows. Sheesh, I never eat until at least 1 p.m. Doesn’t he know you should wait an hour to eat after sleeping? Besides who can sleep with all this quiet anyway? I stayed up until 2 a.m. trying to find something good to watch, but must have dozed off with the T.V. on which is why I didn’t hear the phone ring or Bob pounding on my door. It’s a good thing that lock worked.
9 a.m. Sheesh, how early do those cows need to eat anyway? Bob brought a key this time and walked right in like he owned the place. Well, anyway, I know my rights as an employee! I need my space! I’m not like all those cows he crams into his factory farm!
So he says that he saved a few chores for me and that I needed to get out there and start doing my fair share of the work. I guess no one ever told Bob that life isn’t fair. Besides, the only fair share anyone is entitled to is the fair share of the profits.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
8:30 a.m. Christmas Eve! Are you frickin’ kidding me? Don’t these cows ever take a day off? I guess you’ve got to stuff them full before you can stuff yourself with them. Those poor creatures’ cholesterol has to be through the roof. I’m just biding my time now. Soon that footage of Bob’s cruelty will be exposed. Hey, maybe he’s just mean in the morning! O.K. I know it will be tough, but I’m gonna have to get up when he does. I wonder if this clock by my bed could help. I think I saw one on an infomercial once. When I get back from Christmas break, I’ll get him good.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
12 p.m. %!$#%&*?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn’t anyone have any respect for religion anymore? Even God (Not that I believe in Him, but hey, it sure is convenient here, huh?) took a day off! I mean, man how much do these cows have to eat? I think I’ll suggest Bob start them on a vegetarian diet. Maybe that will help.
Monday, December 26, 2011
6 a.m. O.K. I did it. I’m up and I can see that Bob is still in the house. He’s probably looking for his club or something. I’ve got my camera ready. Boy, will he be surprised to see me up so early. I think I’ll sneak in the barn and hide there.
12 p.m. Well, I guess if I want to sleep in I can do it in the barn. I guess I can try and get him again tomorrow. For now, I’ll just go back to the house and fry up these green eggs I found by the mule. I never did see any chickens though.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
5 a.m. This getting up early is getting easier. Of course, sleeping in until noon in the barn and taking five hour energy and espresso shots all night helps. Yes, I suppose technically, because I didn’t go to bed, it doesn’t really count as getting up, but I’ve been planning all night. It turns out Bob doesn’t have chickens. Those green eggs must have been laid by some other creature. They sure were chalk full of fiber though! So now I’m set. As soon as Bob starts hooking his cattle up to the steroid injector machine, I’ll be ready.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
6 a.m. Well, that wasn’t a steroid injector machine after all. Bob says it was a chute to hold the cows while you doctored them. Man, he thinks I’m so dumb. I know what doctoring means. My friends doctor their V8 juice all the time.
12 p.m. O.K. I feel like I caved a little bit and helped Bob all morning. I think he’s getting suspicious, so I better blend a little. I’ll just pretend for a while like I’m catching on and then he’ll let his guard down and the abuse of the animals will be back to normal and I’ll have him. He’s really putting on a show. He actually gave mouth to mouth to a calf that he “pulled” the other day. The calf made it and he was acting all like he cared. He actually had the gall to tell me that the cows want to get pregnant. Ha! He must think I’m stupid. I think I’ll go try and find some more of those high fiber eggs.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
6 a.m. Oh man, whoever thought working would be so hard? I barely got four hours into my nap before Bob discovered my special sleep area. I think I got him though. When I was hunting some more eggs next to the mule I spotted the mother load. There are bags of it. I tried lifting one and they must weigh five-hundred pounds! I was pretty sure it was some type of weight gain powder Bob force feeds to his cows, but once I read the label it was worse than that. You won’t believe all the stuff Bob feeds his cows. Listen to this list: Calcium, Phosphorous, Sodium Chloride, Magnesium, Potassium, Cobalt, Copper, Iodine, Manganese, Selenium, Zinc, Vitamin ADE. Can you believe the chemicals Bob infuses these poor creatures with? Copper!? That must be what that big pile of old copper pipes is for out back of Bob’s shed! He says it’s for the scrap yard, but that must be cowboy code for the barn yard. After all, the cows might as well be scrap to him. He must grind the pipes up and put it in their food! How awful! Iodine!? I think hospitals use that! He must have to feed it to them after he beats them to stop the bleeding! Vitamin ADE!? I’ve heard of vitamin A, D, and E before, they’re in my Tang, but what is vitamin ADE!? It’s probably some artificial vitamin that the multinational corporations have left over after they make HFCS. And last, but not least, what in the world is Sodium Chloride? It couldn’t be anything but pure unnatural evil. After all, anything that’s not natural is just wrong. Dang it! Where are my Twinkies?
Friday, December 30, 2011
1 p.m. Finally, my moment has come. I got Bob on film loading the bags of chemicals to go give to the cattle. I can’t believe he’s doing it in the middle of the day. He even asked if I could go along! Better yet, he said he didn’t care if I took some pictures. He had the gall to say that he and other ranchers have nothing to hide and wished more people understood where their food comes from and the hard work it takes to feed the world. Pfft! He’s always saying stuff like that. Oh, they’ll know allright Bob. They will know. Those poor cows! They went right after Bob’s unnatural chemical cocktail in a bag! He must starve them so they are forced to eat it! Nonetheless, I have it all on film and when I quit old Bob, then will begin my independent filmmaking career. Maybe Robert Kenner will buy it from me? Food Ink II, and maybe this time they will spell it right!
3 p.m. I can’t believe these poor cows. Bob turned them out into a big pasture and they are so brainwashed they still want to eat and lay around together. It’s like they’ve got some kind of herd mentality or something. But finally, I’ve got the side effects of the chemical Bob feeds all on film! The cows that calved about a month ago are running around and sniffing and jumping on one another. Bob tried explaining that they are just cycling again. Ha! Bob, must think I’m really dumb. There is now way a cow can ride a bike! I can see the horrible effects of Bob’s super growth chemicals! Oh, the humanity! When they finally give out and die I will have it all on film though.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
8 a.m. Well, apparently the cattle lived. I think Bob is onto me and went out in the middle of the night and gave them the anecdote. Now the ones that were hopping are now standing still, but wait! New ones are starting to hop! I’m getting it all too! I’ll keep an eye out for Bob and that anecdote during the day. He won’t be able to sneak it to them.
10 a.m. The anecdote must be in the feed. They ones that were jumping are now standing and new ones are starting to jump on the standing ones. That Bob sure is tricky.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
12 p.m. Really!!!!!? Sunday morning and New Year’s Day! Bob really needs a life or hire some help. Oh wait. Yeah. Well, after watching the effects of Bob’s super growth chemicals the other day I had to get away. I probably overdid it last night, but I had to get my mind off what I witnessed. It’s my last day for the journal, but Bob says if I miss chores one more time, it’ll be my last day period (Do I need a period here?)(Or here)(Or). That’s fine with me. I’ve had enough. Now I’ll just take my footage back to P.U.T.A. and that will be the end of Bob and his animal cruelty.
Well, it turns out that Bob knew Evann was a fraud the whole time. He tried to hide the video camera in his fanny pack, but Bob either thought he loved to impersonate Elvis all the time or he was trying to hide something. Bob wasn’t worried though. He loves his critters and has nothing to hide. He was just having fun with him. He says that he’s got a camera of his own and is gonna keep old Evann around one more day. He’s gonna let him milk some bulls.
Sketch by Lee Stevens.
Sketch by Lee Stevens.
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