Working Ranch Blog
Bull Lawyers by Brett Haas
May. 3 2010, 10:02 PM
May. 3 2010, 10:02 PM
We branded our last group on Saturday. Kirk was perty happy that we were done and could focus on breeding. This was probably the first time in the six years I've been on the ranch that we haven't had to schedule a branding in between an A.I. session. It'll be nice. Maybe we could actually find time to work on a tractor or fix some fence. Breeding is a busy enough time in and of itself. Unfortunately, not everyone is as blessed as us this year. To say the least, when I heard what a friend of ours, Cowboy Bob, is going through, I was shocked. Bob has a little more on his plate than just scheduling a branding in between A.I. sessions. Let me explain.
It all started last week. Bob manages the "All U Can Eat Ranch" over in Buffaloed County. Like many other cattlemen, Bob was preparing to start breeding when he got the surprise of his life. He had the heifers synched. The first ones were coming in. He had the numbers written down. Then, one a.m. he sorted off the standers, went home for dinner, got the mail, and soon discovered this breeding season was gonna be like no other.
"Ma!", Bob shouted as he came through the screen door like Seabiscuit coming down the home stretch. "Fetch me my reading spectacles." Mrs. Bob rushed into his office and hurried back as she knew from Bob's voice that trouble was a brewin'.
The big letters at the top of the manila envelope confirmed the fears that Bob had suspected: A.C.L.U. The Angus Cattle Liberty Union. Bob had heard about this outfit, but thought they were just rumors started by the town drunk after too many margarita's and microwave burritos. This was real though. Bob couldn't believe his aged eyes. The bulls were suing! The letter read as follows:
May 1, 2010
All U Can Eat Ranch
Att: Mr. "Cowboy" Bob, manager
It all started last week. Bob manages the "All U Can Eat Ranch" over in Buffaloed County. Like many other cattlemen, Bob was preparing to start breeding when he got the surprise of his life. He had the heifers synched. The first ones were coming in. He had the numbers written down. Then, one a.m. he sorted off the standers, went home for dinner, got the mail, and soon discovered this breeding season was gonna be like no other.
"Ma!", Bob shouted as he came through the screen door like Seabiscuit coming down the home stretch. "Fetch me my reading spectacles." Mrs. Bob rushed into his office and hurried back as she knew from Bob's voice that trouble was a brewin'.
The big letters at the top of the manila envelope confirmed the fears that Bob had suspected: A.C.L.U. The Angus Cattle Liberty Union. Bob had heard about this outfit, but thought they were just rumors started by the town drunk after too many margarita's and microwave burritos. This was real though. Bob couldn't believe his aged eyes. The bulls were suing! The letter read as follows:
May 1, 2010
All U Can Eat Ranch
Att: Mr. "Cowboy" Bob, manager
You are hereby summoned to appear at the Buffaloed County Courthouse on May 20, 2010 in regards to the suit filed by my plaintiffs Mr. Yukon Regulator, Mr. Big Sky Canyon, Mr. Make My Mimi A Mamma, and Mr. Cherokee Valley Longfellow. My clients have accused you of a breech of contract in regards to your "A.I." operation. Mr. Bob, in tough times such as these, with a skyrocketing unemployment rate in Buffaloed County, my clients find your decision to "Artificially Inseminate" highly offensive and demand that you immediately cease and desist from your program. Records subpoenaed from the "All U Can Eat Ranch" clearly show that your "A.I." program takes away on average 60% of my client's duties. The same records show that you choose to use "out of county" bulls to "A.I." with and therefore are exempt from the "right to breed" laws we have here in place in Buffaloed County.
If you choose to avoid these charges, my clients have agreed to drop their suit against you and the "All U Can Eat Ranch" if you meet the following minimal demands post haste:
1. End the "A.I." program and allow my clients to fulfill their contracts and biological needs.
2. Breeding season must now be year round with the appropriate days off such as, but not limited to, Memorial day weekend, the Fourth of July, Fourth of July Eve (Also known as July 3), Labor day, the 5th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Hanakuh, New Year's Eve, New Year's day, President's Day, MLK Jr. day, Chinese New Year, Adult's Day (J), Anniversary of the Constitution (M), Ash Wednesday, Mothering Sunday (UK), Daylight Savings Time Begins Day, Benito Juarez's birthday, my client's birthday's, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, etc. A more thorough and extensive list will be given to you upon your consent.
3. No more free medical care. My clients are tired of being "dewormed". Are you implying they are dirty creatures? No more yearly "vaccinations", "soundness checks", and any other "treatments" that you think they "need". My clients are fully capable of doing the job that nature intended. They don't need your intervention to live up to your idealistic expectations.
4. All fences shall be removed immediately. My clients are tired of scratching their furs as they attempt to expand their "creative horizons", i.e. the neighbor's cows, that you and your "Bobbed wire" attempt to keep within such life-choking boundaries.
5. Get rid of the dogs and other cowhands you employ. Since there will not be any more need for visits to the "vet", to pull us from the cows, or to mend fence, their services will no longer need to be rendered. However, you may keep one horse to "punch" my client's clients to them. Also, you may keep your pickup truck to bring water, mineral, range cubes, and a special clover/alfalfa/lespedeza hay that my clients also would like from now on. They'll let you know when they are full.
If you agree to my client's demands all charges will be dropped immediately and you will have three hours to begin complying. I forewarn you that your chances of challenging my clients and winning are slim to none. The judge has already heard the charges and is sympathetic with my clients as she is a lifetime member of P.U.T.A. People for the Uninformed Treatment of Animals. You have until noon on May 5 to respond.
Sincerely,
Alfred P. Moneybags
Attorney at Law
Well, needless to say Bob is in quite the pickle. He's already hired twelve lawyers and moved breeding season back to the Fourth of July. We offered to help him out, but was threatened with a lawsuit ourselves. Oh, I'm sure Bob will bounce back in no time and the All U Can Eat will be running like it always has. Meanwhile, we'll be getting ready to breed. That, and we're gonna start keeping an eye out for BMWs parked by our bull traps.
Send me your bull and breeding stories. If you can make up a better one than that I'll post it here. Send them to thekansascowboy36@gmail.com. You can also friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter. Heck, someday we might not have to make them up. If you don't believe me read this.
Alfred P. Moneybags
Attorney at Law
Well, needless to say Bob is in quite the pickle. He's already hired twelve lawyers and moved breeding season back to the Fourth of July. We offered to help him out, but was threatened with a lawsuit ourselves. Oh, I'm sure Bob will bounce back in no time and the All U Can Eat will be running like it always has. Meanwhile, we'll be getting ready to breed. That, and we're gonna start keeping an eye out for BMWs parked by our bull traps.Send me your bull and breeding stories. If you can make up a better one than that I'll post it here. Send them to thekansascowboy36@gmail.com. You can also friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter. Heck, someday we might not have to make them up. If you don't believe me read this.
